Are you resistant to scheduling Sex?

People who refuse to schedule sex have the least sex.

How do I know this?

I’m a relationship coach. I’ve heard a hundreds of stories about this.

Ask any person (usually it’s a woman) why she won’t schedule sex and she’ll tell you it’s just not natural or not sexy. It feels like pressure. Or, it’s “clinical.”

Sex should be spontaneous — she’ll insist.

But guess what? The same women who insist on spontaneity, don’t initiate sex. I know this because their sex-starved husbands are my clients!

Then when their partners are sexually spontaneous (as they insist is the only kind of real sex) they’re not in the mood, tired, or stressed — 99 percent of the time.

Let’s acknowledge right up front for the naysayers that there are women, who don’t like to schedule sex because they actually enjoy and initiate sex, spontaneously — or at the very least, respond positively to it when their partners initiate.

Know that these women are not the women we’re talking about here. We’´re talking about women who insist on spontaneous sex, but say no to it 99 percent of the time. If you’re honest with yourself, is this you?

There are often bigger issues at play when a women is resistant to scheduling sex — and she’s too busy for it to happen spontaneously. It tells me she doesn’t value sex in her relationship or she doesn’t enjoy it.

The spontaneity card is just a smokescreen — to hide from the deeper issues. If you love and value something, you don’t mind scheduling it. If you love pedicures, you don’t wait until you run into the manicurist at the Shop and Save and hit her up for an appointment, do you? You don’t leave seeing friends to chance. You put them on your calendar because they matter to you.

But schedule sex with one’s husband? God no. That’s not romantic. That’s not sexy.

Know that I empathize with any woman who isn’t into sex with her man but loves that man. Of course she’d have zero interest in scheduling sex. That puts the problem square in her face.

But seeing as sex is a vital part of a healthy marriage, isn’t denying that things aren’t good between you and avoiding sex, like ignoring a ticking time bomb in your closet?

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Sex will ultimately have to be addressed in your relationship, whether it’s your lack of pleasure or lack of energy. Scheduling sex is a powerful way to say: “This matters to me. You matter to me.”

If the issue is that sex isn’t pleasurable for you, with your partner, it might be a great idea to use your scheduled time to watch educational videos together, or talk about how to change things. Hiding from the issue will never make it better.

When lovemaking is scheduled, you step into the realm of conscious sex. You admit you’re sexual beings. You admit that sex is good for you. You stop pretending that lovemaking is an accidental event or an insignificant afterthought.

Grown-ups schedule sex because they want it to be good. They know that time set aside is meaningful time, and that beautiful things emerge through conscious dedication.

I suggest you schedule a love date every week, even if sex is also spontaneous, so that you can go deeper. A minimum of two hours is fantastic, three is even better. And if time is a huge issue for you because you have children, do it once a month and make it truly a special event, where you walk away bursting with energy and love for each other.

I’d love your input and your experience with this.

Write me and I will write you back!

With love,

Karen