I notice in my coaching a pattern of men and women missing each other emotionally and this leading to ongoing fights.
And this is how it sounds…
Woman: Did you pick up the cheese? (Tone doubting.)
Man: Yes I picked up the cheese. (Resents her doubt.)
Woman: You don’t have to get pissed. I just asked. (Complete denial of her tone.)
Man: Let’s just drop it.
Woman: It’s not my fault that you forget things and I have to remind you. (She wants a conversation. He does not. Conversations blow up.)
Man: Whatever you say. You’re right. I forget things. (He can’t own that he does, because she puts it in his face so much.)
Woman: I’m tired of being blamed for your mistakes. (She hates when he stonewalls her.)
Man: I’m going to work now. Let me know if I should pick up anything for dinner. (He’s hurt and he doesn’t want to lose his temper.)
Woman: Bye. (She’s hurt too. She wanted to talk.)
Breakdown: Feelings were not shared. Neither his nor hers.
Emotion is subterranean. Intimacy averted.
Scenario 2, Emotion enters the dialogue:
Woman: Did you pick up the cheese? (That same irritated tone. Expecting to be disappointed.)
Man: Yes, of course. (He resents her tone, doesn’t want to lose it this morning. Knows he can’t let it go this time.)
Man: Why do you ask me like that?
Woman: Like what? (Denial.)
Man: Like you expect to be disappointed?
Woman: Because you do forget things.
Man: I know I do, at times. But do you know how much I want to get it right with you?
Now she’s quiet. Cracking eggs into a bowl.
Woman: Sorry. I’m just tense. You’re right. And you don’t always forget.
He goes to her and kisses her.
Scenario 3: Emotion is Evident
She comes up the stairs loudly. Clearly with an attitude.
Will you be on your phone all night?
No, what’s up?
What’s up is that the girls miss you.
Does that include you? He asks, crooked smile.
She can’t help but laugh.
Get downstairs, please.
Daddy is on the way!
What I’m hoping to impress upon you here is this:
Most fights have two conversations happening at once.
There’s the surface-level conversation you’re having:
Did you get the cheese?
Why do you ask me like that?
Will you ever get off your phone?
Why are you always pissed?
And there’s the emotional conversation underneath:
I need you.
Do you see how hard I’m trying?
I miss you.
Does my effort matter?
If we can attune more to the emotions underneath, we can get caught less in the negative stories—and fight less!
