Here is the second part of the article, “How important is Sex in your Relationship?”
If you missed the first part, it’s HERE…
If you’re in a nearly sexless or sexless relationship, and you don’t fully understand why, the first thing you need to do is figure out what’s really going on.
You can’t do anything about something you don’t understand.
While this can be daunting, it’s critical.
And know that, trying to figure out what’s going on can surface ISSUES you need to negotiate, such as….
*Her refusal to talk about it
*Her claiming there’s nothing wrong, she’s just not a sexual person.
*She’s (fill in the blank) angry, doesn’t trust you, needs some space, is going through something, etc.
Whatever the reason, it can seem confusing or overwhelming.
I will discuss each one below…
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She won’t talk about it…
My client’s wives say that they’re uncomfortable talking about sex, as if this gives them a pass on addressing their sex lives in any meaningful way.
Their being uncomfortable often paralyzes their male partners, because they’re afraid to press about anything sexual— lest it be viewed as abuse.
But if a guy doesn’t lean into what’s in the way, but, with loving leadership, he sends the message that he doesn’t care, or he’s just about the sex. This is especially true if he withdraws and punishes his partner when she’s resistant to him.
What’s key to moving though any kind of sexual roadblock, is a man’s insistence on leaning in, and a woman’s willingness to be open and honest.
When women push men back and men stay back, that’s usually where they stay, and the sexual relationship stagnates, often for years.
Women don’t intend to do this, it’s just what happens, with a vacuum of strong leadership.
Her being uncomfortable talking, is NOT a reason not to do it. She’s uncomfortable because she doesn’t want to blow things up or hurt you — or fears that there is no good solution for what’s going on between you…
Your patience and insistence on hearing the truth, demonstrates that there is a way through it, and it’s through a portal of openness.
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She’s Just not a Sexual Person
She may, in one way, believe this, because she hasn’t felt a lot of desire, or having orgasms is a challenge. But in my experience, this comment is mostly used to avoid addressing whatever is going on for her.
My response to this would be, “tell me about that,” and I’d keep asking meaningful questions until I got the answers that were at the bottom of this.
I’m just not a sexual person really means: I compare myself to what I think others are like, and don’t feel like them. And, I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Or, there are issues I’m experiencing as a lover, but I fear that talking about them would be too awkward and risky.
What’s key is to lean in and give her a non-judgmental space to open up about this. Don’t automatically believe her story. She is a sexual person, we all are, and she, clearly, hasn’t found a way to accept that or her uniqueness.
She likely didn’t say she wasn’t sexual, when you first met and first were making love. I’d guess this idea formed over time, as she felt different or “not normal,” or like something was off for her.
“I’m just not a sexual person,” is a way of avoiding the real conversation and the potential healing.
She Doesn’t Trust you or feel Connected to You…
When you hear that you’re not trusted or she doesn’t feel connected, this is just information.
Usually statements like these are red flags. It’s a way for her to alert you that she needs something from you that you’re missing. She wants you to stop and notice her need or concern, before proceeding to kiss, touch, or make love to her.
Men who don’t understand women, emotionally, tend to lean out in these moments, and back up, which sends the message that you don’t really care. And know that when the red flag is up, becoming defensive is the worst thing you can do.
What you always want to do, is lean in.
Her not trusting you can have many reasons. She may not trust your presence. Are you distracted, often? It could be she doesn’t feel appreciated or loved, because your attention is weak. It could, also, be that she doesn’t feel connected to you because you don’t listen to her, really.
Whatever it is, it’s a red flag. She’s waving it to say: I need something from you. I don’t want to be touched until you hear me.
Now, “If I don’t trust you” becomes a protracted state, and it’s used to not have sex with you, over months and years, you are going to have to peel back the onion of what’s going on.
Sometimes a woman uses a lack of trust to hold a man off for a long time, because the sexual issues are so big and confusing, she has no idea how to deal with them.
Do you hear a theme here?
Sexual roadblocks are a woman’s way of getting your attention and letting you know something isn’t working. And they can be used to avoid deeper issues.
The solution is always the same. Get in there and figure out what’s really going on.
You, the Leader
Many guys struggle to lead a woman through her avoidance and into a place of openness and honesty — because while it sounds easy on paper, emotions get involved.
There can be the fear of blowing things up and ending up alone.
There can be the fear of her anger—that can lead to further emotional or sexual “lock downs. “
In truth, there are many complexities to navigate to stand for change — her emotions, her sexual wounding and yours, past hurts and resentments, and more.
This is why I do the work I do, because there are a lot of hurdles to overcome – and having an expert guide (who gets women) can seriously shorten your learning curve.
This doesn’t mean you can’t do it on your own, you can, if you’re willing to keep insisting on truth, and stepping into openness and honesty.
It’s important to keep the following principles, top of mind, when you lead, so that you don’t get stuck:
*Good sex is not a given (it is the result of commitment) If you have a bad sex life, you have not worked on it, together.
*Being able to talk about sex, is critical (for growth) Being uncomfortable is part of that.
*You cannot tolerate avoidance if you are committed to closeness and great sex.
And… if You would like Help with all of This…
I am here for you.
I can help you shortcut a lot of this heartache and get the results you want.
I’m opening a GROUP coaching program, starting Tues. March 3, that will walk you through how to do all of this, and navigate the challenges! ! It’s an 8-week program.
If you’d like to get on the list to receive information, please just respond to this email let me know, and I’ll get back to you within a week with all the details.
YOU MUST BE AVAILABLE ON TUESDAY NIGHTS AT 6 CENTRAL TO JOIN the program.