This is a two-part series to help you think about the role of sex in your life…
We don´t often talk about the sexual aspect of a relationship or create agreements concerning sex, before marriage, but ask anyone who got married in modern times if sex was an expectation, and they’d clearly say “yes!”
And, ask anyone if there was an expectation of emotional closeness and support for their marriage, and they’d say yes, too.
Neither of these expectations are spoken out-loud, usually — but still, we view them as critical to a loving relationship or marriage.
And yet, women often pull the plug on sex, with seemingly little concern for how it will affect the whole of the relationship, or their male partners.
While there are valid reasons for a woman to withdraw from sex, what is the impact of such a decision for the well-being and longevity of the relationship?
Is sex an optional appendage that can be discarded without consequence, or is it central to the functioning of the whole, more like the heart?
From my perspective of 23 years of coaching men, sex is, without a doubt, vital for a healthy, happy relationship — between two sexual people. I see this and feel this, every day, in the men I coach.
We’re sexual beings. The monogamous framework and expectation, puts a pressure on our relationships to fulfill that part of ourselves, within the relationship. For sex to not be available in such a setup creates confusion, hurt and shame.
The exceptions to this are when two people arrive at a place in their lives where they don’t want or need sex with each other. Or, where a couple has made arrangements to get their sexual needs met outside of the relationship.
Living in a Sexless, or Practically Sexless Marriage
It is not our nature to have sex with one person, exclusively, over many years. To do so, requires effort and commitment. Desire, and excitement must be tended to, cultivated. It this respect, it is no different than love.
And yet, most of us have expectations of sex that are unrealistic — such as assuming that it will be hot and explosive, just because we’ve tied the knot.
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When one person wants sex and the other not, there is a constant and uncomfortable tension that can be tortuous! I know; I’ve lived it.
And while the sexual connection is no longer there, the other expectations of the marriage — emotional support, loyalty, devotion, and protection — remain on the woman’s side, as part of the deal.
Imagine if, instead of withdrawing sex, the man in the partnership suddenly stopped providing emotional support or affection. Most women would claim the marriage done.
Yet, women often pull away from sex without fully acknowledging the profound emotional toll it can have on their masculine partners — or being willing to discuss and explore what is going on for them.
Why Do Women Withdraw from Sex?
There are many reasons why a woman may withdraw from sex, a genuine lack of pleasure, resentment or anger for feeling unsupported or appreciated, body shame, etc. She may have been sexually abused, and finds being touched, a painful reminder. There are always GOOD reasons for her withdrawal. The question is… do you, as a man, allow her reasons dictate your sexual journey, in your marriage? Or do you, together, look to move in the direction of healing?
How and when is it appropriate to provide leadership?
This is where men often feel hand-tied. They don’t know how to navigate a woman’s pain or dissatisfaction — and so they step back, and let her lead.
I’ve never known this strategy to work. In fact, it’s painful for the woman and for the man to be in this passive dance. The woman doesn’t know how to bridge what’s in the way, and she won’t allow her man to figure it out and provide what’s needed.
So what do you do, as a masculine person?
Stay tuned for part-two, where I’ll talk about the options available to you in this situation.
Does this resonate for you?