Married men ask me this all the time…
News flash: She’s not mean!
She’s just afraid — of you.
She’s afraid you don’t care about her.
That her needs don’t matter to you.
She’s afraid that your inconsistent ways will worsen, over time, and destroy your lives…
Why does she think this?
Because you don’t really hear her or the alarms she’s sounding — all the time.
You might hear her words, but you don’t hear her meaning. You get defensive and think she’s being petty and hurtful.
So, instead of tempering her fears, you intensify them.
You ignore the warning signs, time and again.
“Hey, can you fix the light over the front door?” “Would you put a bell on Susie’s bike?” “Could we sit down and talk about the finances?”
She’s not so great at acting nice when her life feels like it’s in danger, on some level.
Women are not “mean” because they enjoy hurting or diminishing men.
They’re “mean” to get you to hear that something important is amiss.
And, they get loud and repetitive when it seems that their fears are not being taken seriously.
Example: I have a client who promises his partner he’ll get back to the gym, but doesn’t.
When she gets “mean,” he screams unfair.
For her, his not returning to the gym feels unsafe, because it means that he continues to be depressed, to overeat, to have little energy for her, or the kids.
Until recently, he thought all she wanted was a more buff husband — and, therefore, casually dismissed her requests…
If a woman is acting “mean,” you might look at what you’re overlooking. And what she’s scared of.
You might ask her: is there something you need right now? Is there something you need that I’m missing?
Or, is there something you’re afraid of — because this seems bigger than going to the gym?
Hope this helps.
with love
Karen
P.S. What are the unresolved issues in your relationship? Let me know and I’ll consider writing about them.