I wish all women had the fortune to discover what I’ve discovered about men as a coach — because loving men is so much more satisfying than fearing and resenting them!
So many of the women I meet out there are still stuck in us-against-them thinking — making it impossible for them to have deep, transformative connections with men.
I can be at a party, for example, and mention what I do for a living to a group of women, and inevitably get these kinds of comments in response:
“Oh good for you! They need it!”
“Bless you woman! How do you do it?”
“Somebody’s got to do the dirty work!” (roars of laughter)
I don’t find these comments to be funny— at all! In fact, I find them embarrassing for womankind. Are we actually still on the battleground with men, arms drawn? I find this kind of man-bashing abusive and not particularly progressive.
What I actually wish would happen is that they’d ask me to enlighten them about men. How fun would that be!? I’d love it if they’d d ask: “What can you tell us about men that we don’t know? Or, can you help us understand why they do X?”
Given that, I’d love to share (with you) the 3 key things I wish I could tell women about men, (everywhere I go)!
I will offer this teaching in three parts so each part can really sink in for you. My hope is that the men in the community will feel seen, while the women get something of value to apply to their relationships with men.
Today I’ll share part one.
The essence of Lesson One is this: You don’t have to control a man to get him to do what you want! Nor do you have to shame him.
It’s men’s nature to want to serve and provide. So, if your man is refusing to offer support, not following through on his commitments, and seems unmotivated to help you, there is likely a good reason for that. He might feel he’s being bullied by you, disrespected, or not appreciated.
Sure, there are lazy men out there, but the majority of men will do anything for you if they believe it will actually work to make you happy.
On the other hand, if they feel that they can never get it right with you nor have a positive effect, they’ll stop supporting you because It doesn’t pay off.
If you use shame as a motivator, i.e., “You don’t care about me or your family,” your man will shut you down — because he feels wrong before he even gets started.
Ever hear that joke: If a man makes a mistake in the jungle and there is no woman there to witness it, is he still wrong? Making him wrong is a surefire way to kill his motivation and cause him NOT to act.
What you want to do instead is learn how to talk to a man in a way that motivates him to take action — with pleasure. This is something he’d be willing to actually replicate.
Case in point: My client Joel’s wife likes to stop him in the kitchen, hand on hip, and ask him: Did you forget to do something last night?
He knows by now that she’s referring to the garbage he forgot to take out and so he takes it out, but if he’s honest about it, he resents being treated like a child. Therefore, he will inevitably “forget” once again, causing his wife to get upset.
I imagine that Joel’s wife has the misguided belief that Joel is irresponsible, rather than resistant to her approach. Reprimanding Joel is her way of trying to get through to him.
In truth, Joel has not heard nor felt what he needs to hear and feel to believe taking out the garbage will make a difference for her. Remember, things that are worthwhile to him actually serve to make her happier.
When you want something from a man and you want it in a timely fashion, you’ve got to:
- Ask him directly without shaming him
- Tell him how much it would mean to you and the benefit it would provide you
- Ask if it would be possible within a certain timeframe, and again, emphasize how much it would make your life easier (if done on said deadline)
Example: “Joel, would you please take out the trash right now? It would really make me feel so much less stressed this morning and make my day flow so much easier.” SMILE.
Smiling is HUGE. It should not be underrated.
Bottom line: Men do not need to be controlled or shamed to get them to do things.
They just need to be asked in a way that triggers their brains to think: Hey, this seems like a worthwhile task — because it will make my woman happy.
How hard is that? It’s not! While shaming may motivate a woman, it doesn’t motivate a man!
Stay tuned for Part 2 of the 3 Things I Wish Women Knew About Men!
Your comments are always welcome and I’d love hearing from you.
Just respond to this email and I will respond to you. Tell me how this topic is sitting with you. Did you find this helpful? Confusing? Do you have questions?
Do let me know.