You want things to be how they were when you met. I get it.
It was easy back then, and it was hot.
But here’s the thing: she’s not the same woman she was when you met her. And you’re not the same man.
I imagine she’d also like things to be the way they were too back then – when you were mad with passion to get her. When you gazed into her eyes like they were the last thing on Earth you’d ever see.
But that ship has likely sailed too.
Neither of you are the same, exactly, anymore. And the good news is, that is not only ok, it’s a good thing!
As a woman, it’s sad for me to hear men pine for the old passion in their relationships – because wanting things the way they were is living in the past. And that pining doesn’t recognize the evolving woman who’s right in front of you – and how she wants to be made love to.
Yes, sex might have been easier at one time and more spontaneous, but is that where you want your creativity and adventure to end, swimming in those old memories?
If I were you and I were pining for that old passion, I’d be looking at what trust and familiarity make possible, right now, in your lovemaking, and that’s depth.
Can you open your woman’s heart in bed? Is she radiant and joyous after you make love to her?
Can you get beyond your focus on orgasm and performance and become one with her?
Can you transport the two of you away from shame, toward innocent bliss?
These are examples of where your attention might go in your discovery.
Don’t stop loving how it was when you first met; that was a special time. But I suggest you play with what is possible in the deeper veins of making love – here and now.
And when you go deeper, you can’t help but stir the pot of her desire. Then she’ll likely be more interested in those spontaneous moments where you take her unexpectedly.
Fantastic post Karen,resonated with me.
Passion will come forever if a man is there to take care of his lady. If he is willing to please her and not himself. Make the ratio 10 -1 for her orgasmic adventures and she will keep calling you.
Keep up with her. Don’t fall asleep on her. Engaging with her after she has had a nice climax. Give her water. Give her attention. Brush her hair. Inhale her.
She will invite you back if you take care of her. It’s pretty simple.
What you wrote in the email that got me to this link so resonates with me:
Passion also means wild abandon. Meaning: she doesn’t care if she’s shaved or showered, or if the kids can hear you, she wants you — and she’s into it!
I totally feel that way about my wife. I love it when she doesn’t have any makeup on or perfumes, etc… I also really liked it if she let all her body hair grow out. There’s something so primal about it. But she has gotten rid of all her body hair now (mostly permanently) and it’s too bad. When we first got married 22 years ago she wasn’t so concerned about her hair and was mostly full bush and maybe shaved her armpits and legs on a regular basis but wasn’t obsessed with it and I loved it!
What you write on this blog post though hits home now because I wanted our love making to go deeper emotionally as it was mostly transactional in that she was just agreeing to have sex so that I could get off and she could be done with it. But even that was diminishing more and more.
But now we are physically separated for 7 months as she moved out of our house and says I’m a good man and she loves me but is not IN love with me any more and wants a divorce. We still talk on the phone and text and I see her in person every couple of week for a few minutes, but that’s about it. We are friendly and nice to each other, but I feel like there’s no spark from her any more. I still feel totally attracted to her every time I see her and just being in her presence is wonderful.
I’ve been working for the past 6 months on becoming a better man and trying to save my marriage and I don’t know if you’re the right kind of coach for that but I’m looking for more help.
Hi Andre, I am sorry to hear about your pains. I can relate to this as I am in a similar situation. But first up: what do you mean by “becoming a better man”?
I have spent a lot of time trying the typical things we are taught to do, serve her, be there, etc. Unfortunately none of that works, since it puts her into the driver’s seat in some sense. She doesn’t understand her discomfort and concludes it’s us and the relationship. And then we accept that reasoning also, with compassion and eternal hope. Well, I have come to conclusion, as hard as it is, that if my lady doesn’t want to “play marriage” in a way that I also enjoy, then I am not interested in spending time with her. It breaks my heart but the more I say no to “bad treatment and bad sex”, the stronger I become—not just for me, but ultimately also for her. It either leads to a better relationship or it helps her move on with a positive memory of what you (we) had.
Karen is very good at helping you put a search light on your own stumbling blocks and blind spots. That can be very helpful. However, all that self-improvement is not going to make a difference if we are confronted with (her) behaviors that are dysfunctional and inherited from her family of origin. This requires additional skill sets. Chin up, and I hope you can use your separation time to become very clear on what you yourself really want, and then perhaps reconnect from there. Remember, you also matter in this relationship!
Karen you have an amazing way of framing the issue that I have almost perfectly. Very well written. Yes you were talking about me. Thanks for explaining things and such a plain language.
So true reading your observations! xx
“Can you get beyond your focus on orgasm and performance and become one with her?”
Apparently not. I’d like to, and after all these years, really don’t seem to know how.
My wife and I have been married for many years and met in an era when sex and lovemaking was not so easily spoken about between partners as it seems to be today. It was hushed up–a nice girl didn’t speak about it. As a result, she was often the silent partner in sex play and rarely, if ever, has she improved her knowledge and skills by reading, about male and female erogenous zones. Even today she knows nothing about her G Spot or that it even exists. She also has no idea of what foreplay turns me on as a man.
Never having had any other sexual partners to learn from, I have recently taken to researching the web to gain better knowledge of women’s anatomy and what turns them on. Its been an intriguing experience and should I ever have my time over again, I will be a fantastic lover. Worse luck, I am impotent with cancer, so that’s never likely to happen.
The reason that I have responded to your article Karen is that I feel, once again, that women appear to have a sense of entitlement when it comes to what a man needs to do turn them on sexually. I have never read a book or seen an article on how women can make men feel good and aroused.
The thought seems to be that men are ready for sex 24/7 and need neither re-assurance, encouragement, nor a tacit invitation to participate. The man should be the originator, be experienced in all facets of sex and a womens body, understand her sensitivities and moods, read her thoughts and be experienced and confident. Its her right to expect this with no expectation by either party that she will reciprocate, If he fails in his approach, then clearly it’s his fault and not the woman’s.
I may be wrong, but this view seems to clash with the views of some modern feminist movements which say that Alpha males have no place on modern society. In fact, its a well accepted joke among men of my era that we can no longer stare at a pretty girl without being referred by her to the authorities for sexual harassment. He who works in a workplace with young emancipated women around needs to tread very, very carefully.
Your comments please.