Awakening the Dark Knight…

If you’ve read the Dark Knight chapter in my book, Open Her, you know that a woman wants a man to push her sexual edge, but to do so, a woman feel safe.  She wants a masterful lead, to stretch her outside of her comfort zone.

What you may not have given thought to is how to create those safe conditions. A woman will only welcome the lead of the Dark Knight when she feels emotionally and physically safe with him.

A great metaphor for this is scuba diving. In the hands of an experienced dive master – one who communicates caring and sensitivity for each person’s safety and well-being, I can relax underwater and really embrace the dive. I know he’s got my back if anything bad goes down. Oppositely, in the hands of a dive master who’s not truly attentive, who doesn’t create a sense of safety, I’m inclined to hover near the surface to play it safe.

Sex is the same way for a woman. You’ve want to lead her in bed in ways that inspire trust and a desire to let go with you, so that she can dive more deeply into connecting with you and her own pleasure. If you push a woman to take risks that aren’t supported by a safe space and reliable direction, she’s simply going to shut down and cling tightly to what feels safe.

So what makes a woman feel safe? Here are 3 things for you to consider and practice:

1. Attune to where she is. What would make her feel good and connected to you in any moment? You might ask: How would a massage feel to you? How would a hot bath feel?

Before a dive master takes you below the surface to any depth, he checks in to see if you have enough air, weight on your belt, to see if you are emotionally ok. Then and only then does he give you the go ahead to go for the dive.

2. Check in. I love when the dive master does a face-to-face check in. With his right hand, he signals “ok,” and if all is good, you do too. This helps me breathe easier knowing that he’s got his eye on me. Likewise, this kind of check in feels good in bed. Stopping to look into a woman’s eyes or to attune your breath to hers and get a feel for where she is, creates safety, which encourages her to let go and feel more pleasure.

3. Invite her feedback. This wants to be really simple, not a conversation. Check ins like: “This pressure ok for you? Are you warm enough? Is this ok with you? May I enter you? These questions let her know that nothing is going to happen to her that is unexpected or unwelcome. It says that you respect her space and her body.

red flowerToo often when a man pushes a woman to try out new things in bed, he does so without concern for how it will affect her sense of safety, and she closes down. The more you practice these three key steps, both in and out of the bedroom, the more a woman will feel relaxed and open to the direction you wish to take her.