How to Stop Fighting and Really Talk…

Clients often tell me that they try to end their fights by telling their partners, “I don’t want to fight with you,” in the midst of fighting.

Saying “I don’t want to fight with you!” while fighting is like throwing gasoline on a raging fire and expecting it to go out.

It can sound like what you’re saying is: “I don’t want to hear you. “ This can definitely aggravate the situation.

Saying, “I’m done talking about this,” is equally incendiary.

And walking away, feels like a complete dismissal. If you’re going to walk away to let things simmer down, it needs to be communicated gently, so as to not be misunderstood as more aggression.

If you don’t want to fight (and mean it), the best way is commit to peace, within yourself. “I am a source for peace.” This means letting go of the need to fight and to win.

Then, it’s time to practice peaceful behaviors that begin with a peaceful mindset.

Here are four ways to think about conflict that are helpful:

  1. Assume your partner means well and say so, even when it’s hard to imagine
  2. Assume your partner has wants and needs that are not being met, and that you can help meet them, by being interested in what they are
  3. Decide to be a calming, grounding force, no matter what, and take action to make things better
  4. Have a “how can I be of help” attitude and presence in all heated discussions

This is not about giving in, or catering to anyone. It’s about using the powers of a commitment to peace to show up as an inspired leader — so that, instead of fighting, you can talk and move things forward in a positive direction.

Every time you avert a fight with good leadership, you increase your belief in each other 😊

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