What has you… Love or Fear?

I work with a lot of guys who claim to be in love with their wives or partners and really want to work it out with them.

But as we dig into what’s going on below the surface, it often comes to light that it’s not love that keeps them tied to their beloveds, but fear.

Fear of what you ask?

Being alone.

Imagine your partner staying with you out of the fear of being alone. It’s more common than you might think. Perhaps you’re the one staying out of fear, right now…

Fear of aloneness is why so many couples are bored with each other and tuned out. Instead of giving space, they burn out the flame of interest and desire with constant proximity.

Taking quality time alone, and insisting your partner do the same, is essential in love. How can you truly be close to each other, if you can’t embrace being apart?

It’s simple yin/yang wisdom…

Many guys I coach learn this the hard way. They spend years clinging to a woman and a marriage, seeking safety, until there’s no oxygen between them to breath.

Then their partners say, “I need space. I need air.” Sometimes, they need to leave the marriage, all together.


This article isn’t meant to create more fear for you, if giving space and being alone is a fear, but to inspire you to look at aloneness as a necessity in love, as a way give needed oxygen to the connection.

If you were to draw your relationship on a board as a block of color, how much white space would there be for time alone and apart? Meaning space where you’re not focused on each other?

What would feel like the right amount of space, if you weren’t afraid of space?

If you have a partner, you can ask her: do you have enough personal space in this relationship?

If she says “no,” what would space look like for her? How can you support her in getting that?  

And then commit to each other to take that space, and find ways to enjoy it.

Have you ever stayed with someone out of fear of being alone? Are you doing that now?

Feel free to send comments or questions below. Or contact me directly.

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