I’ve been wondering for years why every male client I talk to says that his love language (from The 5 Love Languages book) is touch.
Invariably.
I have a theory about this.
I think that a man’s “love language” can be affected by his cultural conditioning.
I suspect that most men say “touch” is their primary love language, because the other FOUR options don’t seem manly enough.
The other FOUR are: words of affirmation, gifts, quality time and acts of service — all of which are received.
Touch is received, too, but, because it’s a precursor to sex, likely feels like the a more manly choice.
Men are trained to be bad at receiving. They’re taught to think that a real man should need nothing — not attention, time, support, or approval.
So, naturally, I think that most men are going to say “touch” is their primary love language, because it relates to sex, which is always manly!
This is my theory. Help me get to the bottom of this.
Do the other FOUR love languages seem unmanly to you?
And, does being touched really say to you that you are loved, or do you choose “touch” as your primary love language because you like the feeling of being touched?
Keep in mind that your primary love language should strongly speak to you that you are LOVED.
I’d say touch is my love language. My dad was physically abusive, so according to the author, that would be my primary language. I read the love language should be the opposite of the ay you were treated as a child. I like cuddling. It makes me feel loved. Cuddling watching TV is cool. And it good for one’s wellbeing.
Sometimes affirmations are too superficial and stoke narcissism. I find myself asking for them to stop. I guess I need to get more comfortable with myself before I can accept them. It has lead to approval seeking for me.
In terms of gifts, I like cloths and sneakers. My dad never really bought me anything. Tickets to concerts and sporting events are nice.
I enjoy quality time, but it has to be a bonding activity, something adventurous, a physical activity. I really enjoy swimming with a woman.
I think the other four love languages are more of what men have always given to women to make them feel loved.
For me, touch is the most tangible of the five love languages, and the easiest to understand and appreciate instantaneously in the moment. Receiving words of affirmation and gifts require you to be open to actively receiving them and appreciating their value as given by the giver.
I find all those languages manly and meaningful. The one that speaks most strongly tends to shift with timing, I think.
Historically touch, and yes sex, was the most important to me. Having my lover pursue or receive me physically expresses acceptance and love in a way very few things can.
With age, touch is no less important to me, but it’s balanced with wisdom and reality. My wife has medical issues that make some physical touch, and particularly sexual touch cause her pain. So I know her not receiving my advances or not pursuing me is not about acceptance, it’s about her literal ability to feel good with that form of expression.
Now I find that words of affirmation mean so much to me. Knowing I am found attractive as I age is a big deal. Knowing that what I do around the house, the yard, etc is valued is an equally big deal compared to touch.
I find gifts mostly meaningless although now and then my wife makes an amazing choice that really strikes a note with me. Added meaning as we typically don’t give “things” to each other.
Quality time is huge. In a world of digital content, enjoying a cocktail, glass of wine, or dinner – conversation and time minus cell phones and tv says I and WE are loved and important.
I like where you’re going with this. It has helped me to think carefully about these things and what they truly mean.
“Quality time is huge….” So true, friend. Time together as you describe equals presence, attention, and interest, about which Ms. Brody has written so well and so convincingly. It’s been a game changer in my relationship with my wife and in my life at large.