Matthew believed that the lack of sex was the issue in his relationship.
It certainly looked that way. He and Sarah hadn’t made love in years, and they weren’t talking about it.
Every day Matthew’s resent of Sarah grew, making it impossible not to explode at her at every turn.
After hearing the details of their story, I told Matthew the biggest issue wasn’t that they weren’t having sex… (although that was a problem, for sure)…
It was that they had stopped being present with each other, long ago.
Sarah decided that Matthew didn’t care about her because when they didn’t have sex, he was impatient and reactive, and Matthew decided that Sarah didn’t appreciate him or his efforts, because she seemed to intentionally withhold from him what he most craved and needed.
With that, they stopped listening to each other in real time, empathy disappeared, and resentments grew between them, like intractable weeds.
Soon, everything they did and said concerning each other was about the PAST. “You never, you always…” “You weren’t there when I needed you most. “
“You tricked me from the start.”
So… what do you do when most of your interactions with your partner are a rehashing of the past, and a painful reminder of your failures together?
When resentment replaces love, and kindness and basic decency go out the window?
We can’t get over the past and our past pains, if we can’t relate to each other in the PRESENT MOMENT.
But how can you relate to each other in the present moment, when you’re plagued by your unresolved hurts and disappointments? When you can’t even look at your partner, without feeling the triggers of the past?
After 25 years, of noticing how and why couples get stuck in their resentments, I’m developing a home study course on this topic, to help couples get out of the past, and back to the practice of loving one another in real time.
You can make a lot of progress in a relationship by being more attentive to each other, and by creating new operating agreements, but if your resentments aren’t resolved, they resurface when the relationship is under stress, and this can destroy months or years of progress.
Please respond to these questions HERE to be notified about developments on the class.
I’ll be in touch soon, with more information on this topic, if that is the help you seek!