Not “in love” anymore?

What does it mean to love someone, but not be “in love” with them?

This is a question I’ve been exploring for many years as a relationship coach for men.

Whenever a client tells me that he’s not sure he’s “in love,” or that his partner has said, she’s not in love, with him, I get curious.

First of all, what does it mean to be “in love?” I think a lot of people believe that being in love is a bit of magic. Therefore, when that feeling disappears, they don’t think it has anything to do with who they’re being or how they’re acting, nor do they know how to get it back.

I believe that being “in love” means that you’re truly present and actively invested in the love you have. If love were a garden, you’d be feeding, watering and appreciating that garden with all your heart.

Often, when people lose the love or no longer feel “in love” it’s because they’ve stopped giving themselves over to love. They throw out the watering can. Many feel justified in starving love’s flow,  because they’re not getting what they think they should be getting from their partners, or they feel wronged in some way. But when they stop feeding the love, the love stops feeding them.

Granted, you can’t continue to pour yourself into a relationship that never gives back. But often people tell themselves this is the story, before really looking into why the love no longer flows.

I had a client of mine ask his partner the following questions, and they opened up a conversation with her he thought would be impossible, after nearly a year of barely talking.

He asked her: when did you stop believing in the love between us? What made you decide to pull back and stop giving yourself to this love?

He learned, that just like him, she had lost hope that they could ever feel the excitement and passion they once had. And learning this, they decided they wanted the same thing and would invest themselves in that.

Have you lost that “in love” feeling?

I’d love to hear what being “in love” means to you. And, how being “in love” is different from simply loving someone, in your experience. This will help me immensely with my research!

I will share with you what I learn from everyone, very soon! Just send me an email at and I will respond to you!

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