Do you often think about your sexual performance? As in how well you did after lovemaking?

And do you notice that if you didn’t do so well, by your standards, you fall into states of despair or worry?

If your answer is yes, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Lovemaking is not meant to be this way.

You are not a performer, and when you see yourself as one, you miss out on the pleasure of truly intimate sex. I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve worked with, who have never, genuinely, enjoyed sex – because they were too focused on how to do it and outcomes.

You can’t be strategizing and worrying about your performance, and also have an intimate, fulfilling experience with your partner. You might check the orgasm box, and feel some relief, but it won’t last long because tension rises again soon.

When you’re performing, as if it’s life or death, or a test of whether you’re man enough or lovable enough, you can be sure that your partner is feeling the pressure to perform, too. She can sense how critical it is to for you to succeed. This can create a barrier to feeling the transcendent power of lovemaking, as a couple.

So, what can you do about this — if sex is honestly a bunch of stress for you, and you find yourself playing the painful role of performer?

Here are some suggestions…

  1. See sex as an opportunity to MAKE LOVE rather than to focus on orgasm goals. Practice expressing love, first. The pleasure will arise out of this.
  2. Commit to presence. This means: You do not think about what you’re going to do or the outcome. Be alive with each breath you take, and make it your most important focus.

The most amazing lovers are conscious breathers.

Think about this. Why do you love when a woman is breathing intensely and audibly in bed? Because (if this is genuine) she is gifting you her presence. You can feel her essence. She is with you, not on some performance trip.

A performer forgets his breath. He lives in thoughts, in the realm of fear. His touch is tentative, not confident. A deep, conscious breather touches with aliveness. He never needs to question what he’s doing. It simply arises out of his presence.

If sex is stressful, you’re not present. If sex feels like a high-stakes game, you’ve got to learn to breathe and to make it your entire focus, until you don’t need to think about it anymore.

The cure for performance anxiety and stress in bed, is breath. Breath anchors you in the here and now. And out of that presence, real lovemaking can and will arise.

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