Of all the questions I receive from my readers, the most common one is about the Director archetype.
Men want to know, “Why does she reject all of my attempts to lead?”
There can be a few key reasons for this.
One, it’s likely NOT that she’s rejecting your lead, but that she’s asserting what she wants in a relationship that is based on competition. Getting her way is a win.
You read Open Her and thought, “I’ve got to lead her!” But if your relationship is based on competition, rather than cooperation (and likely has been for a long time) your sudden attempts to take charge, feel like you’re pushing to get your way, and win.
Another scenario might be that she’s accustomed to you looking to her to decide things, and you offering to lead her feels strange and awkward. She pushes against it, because it’s just uncomfortable.
A third common scenario, is that when you’ve led or offered to take her somewhere in the past, it has led to an expectation of romance or sex that she didn’t want.
Maybe you planned Valentine’s Day, and while it was sweet and fun, the two of you fought at the end of the night, because she didn’t want to make love to you.
So, what do you do?
In all these scenarios, there is a lack of awareness of what you’re up to or a lack of trust. So, you could ask her, light-heartedly, “Hey, I’d like to play, I’m the boy and you’re the girl tonight and take you somewhere and have you enjoy that, and let me handle all of the details. Would you be open to that? You could then tell her what the “rules” are that will make it even more fun.
Then, your leading won’t feel like a competition, or you angling for sex, necessarily.
And you might say, “This isn’t a setup for an expectation. I just want to take you on a real date. “
Of course, you need to build on this, intelligently, for it to stick.
If you’re in a relationship where there is intense competition to lead and the sexual polarity keeps diminishing and killing your sex life, you’ll need more than an adjustment.
You need a new way of structuring the relationship, understanding the nuances of leadership and negotiating her resistance to you.
If I can help, you are welcome to inquire about coaching.
I welcome your comments!