Ever wonder why a woman seems to never forget how you hurt her, or wronged her – and brings it up at every chance?
Well, I’ve wondered about this too – for years – even concerning myself!
After tuning into this for a while, here is what I’ve discovered that seems to be true…
Emotional wounds don’t heal very quickly, if they ever heal.
For example: Think of something that your mother or father said about you that hurt. Perhaps they said that you weren’t great at baseball or that you weren’t very smart…
The hurt from such comments can endure for decades, even a lifetime in our emotional banks.
If you consider women, in this regard, who tend to be complex, emotionally (even if they don’t express it) women get hurt more than men, and more intensely.
When those wounds aren’t held or tended to in meaningful ways, they get lodged inside of us.
Pain is always trying to push its way out of us – so it can heal. That’s why it keeps coming up for air!
Between a man and a woman, sometimes a woman’s pain gets stuck in her because she simply doesn’t feel heard in her pain – with her man.
Guys often tell me: “I’ve listened to my wife talk about that thing I did ten years ago, time and again. She brings it up whenever we have a big fight. “
What you might consider, if this is you, is that when a man is even a little defensive, when listening to his woman’s wounding, it has the effect of her not feeling heard.
What any of us want when we’re in pain, is to be genuinely heard and to feel that the person listening to us is empathetic. (Meaning you can feel her, even though you may not feel what she feels).
When a man is impatient or getting through the story with a tight jaw and a defensive mind, this doesn’t actually suffice for her feeling “held.” Sure, you listened, but you didn’t really hear her.
Another important reason you may not be able to move on together is that you say you’re sorry, but you don’t truly take responsibility.
For example: “I told you I’m sorry about X! What more do you want from me?” As if saying “sorry” simply makes it all go away.
Did you say you were sorry just to shut down the topic, or did you genuinely mean it?
How to Move Forward on This…
I have two good ideas for you to help move on with a woman concerning her hurt.
And stop the pattern of fighting over the past, without progress.
- When things are good between you, ask her if you could make an agreement that things from the past will not be brought up during fights…
- Tell her that you’re willing to hear about past hurts and schedule time to talk about them when she needs, but not during a fight. This way you can talk about those hurts in a manner that is loving and geared toward healing. Remember, if you bring this up during a fight, she likely will not agree to it.
What you’re acknowledging by doing this is that emotional wounds take time – and most especially, for women. You’re demonstrating love, patience and leadership by getting out in front of this.
Let me know your thoughts.