My client, Jack, asked his partner, Liza, why they always have sex right after a fight. He wished it didn’t take a fight to get her interested…
She was a bit shy to tell him why, but ultimately confessed that, for some strange reason, she felt more attracted to him when he was angry.
Jack didn’t like getting angry – and her liking when he did, made him wonder if she was out to hurt him.
What kind of women likes her guy to get angry? he asked me, genuinely confused.
“The kind that wants to feel your masculine edge,” I told him.
“What?”
“Look, you’ve been biting your tongue, pushing down frustration and anger for a long time, to keep the peace, right?”
“Yeah. And if I didn’t it would be World War III,” he said.
“But isn’t it interesting how when you push anger down, you have little, if any sex, and when you express it, you have great sex?”
“Yeah, it’s a bit messed up.”
“What’s happening is that she likes to feel you standing up for yourself. She likes to feel that there’s an edge with you she can’t cross – that you respect yourself.
“When you pretend not to be upset at her transgressions, you feel like a guy she can walk all over. That makes her anxious, afraid that you’re not powerful.”
“So, you’re saying get angry all the time?”
“No, I’m saying ‘stop pretending it’s not there. Express anger when anger is needed to communicate a stop, or to teach her where the line is.“
Jack got this and he began to work with his anger in two ways: 1. not denying its existence, and 2. listening to what his anger was trying to tell him, and communicating that, calmly.
I feel strongly that we need men in the world who are anger-attuned and aware, because anger can inspire the right kind of action and the best kinds of outcomes, for relationships and more.
